An Open Letter To My Guy: No, I Don't Want Heart Shaped Jewelry For VDay
I saw that look in your eyes. The one just after we watched the women’s eyes fill with excitement after opening a red jewelry box in the cheesy Diamonds Are Forever vday commercial. Before you add that shiny heart shaped necklace to your shopping cart, just stop. I know that media is telling you that you need to show me how much you love me. I know you think you're going to fail me if you don't pull out all the stops on Valentine's Day. You might wonder to yourself, "She told me that she doesn't care about Greeting Card Holidays, but what if that's a trap? What if she's testing our relationship for weak spots?" When I promised I would never "Gone Girl" you, I meant it. I am that cool.
I don't need a heart-shaped necklace that represents the depth, warmth, strength, and beauty of our love. They might tell you that a heart of gold will say much more eloquently all the things you can't. To me, it'll say all the things I'd hope you wouldn't-- cause I'm not a woman that can be summed up that easily, and you should know.
I'm going to make this easy for you. Here's a list of what I don't want on Valentine's Day (or ever) and a few alternatives to help you out because I'm generous.
1. A card with someone else's assigned oozing sentimentality.
You've seen me toss greeting cards in the trash, right? Your three dollar version will be no exception if all you do is sign your name in the white space.
Instead, when you think warm thoughts about us, text me about it spontaneously or write it down in your own words. It'll make my day.
2. Roses sent to my office.
You can’t imagine how distracting flower deliveries can be at the office. They invite constant cubical drop-ins, sizing-ups, and way too many “Aren’t you special?” comments. I don't want anyone I work with to think of me in the context of our relationship.
Instead, select the flowers yourself (succulents are good too and they last longer) and surprise me with them by personally delivering them to my home.
3. Uncomfortable lingerie that pushes my boobs higher than the ozone layer.
I am not the woman that secretly wishes she was a sex kitten, a superhero, or an exotic bird. Lacey lingerie may look pretty but it's uncomfortable, unpractical, and frankly I'd rather sleep in a burlap bag.
Instead, buy something (comfortable) that will make me feel confident in my own skin. Lunya luxury sleepwear is the perfect option for women who care about fit and function.
4. Holiday-inspired jewelry.
Every kiss does not begin with Kay or even Tiffany for that matter. Jewelry is a very personal expression of personal style. Let me in on that decision.
Instead, check in with my best friend if you want to surprise me. She’ll know what I've had my eye on (because we talk about the important things). Don't be surprised when what I want is in the shape of a spike or a stitch.
5. Heart-shaped box of chocolates.
Chocolate is a luxury that I allow myself in particular forms, usually above 70% cocoa. The wax covered stuff in that red box unacceptable to my trainer, my current diet, and me.
Instead, remind me that I deserve that Sprinkles dark chocolate cupcake because I never, ever miss my ClassPass spot at Pilates.
6. Pamper session at a spa.
Frankly, my life is busy, and I don't have the time. Let's save that for a couples massage on our next vacation when we can enjoy that moment together.
Instead, I'd rather enjoy a little bit of pampering every day. What can I say? I'm practical.
All in all, I'm a woman of particular taste, and I know precisely what I want in life. That's why I'm with you. Please don't worry yourself with the pressures of this ridiculous holiday. Our happiness, to me, is measured by the low-pressure, normal days. The Tuesday night memories that we make while drinking wine and chopping vegetables. The spontaneous kindness that we show each other just because we care for each other. That's what I think of when I think of us, and I'm glad we don't rely on an advertising frenzy to make our relationship strong.